Yeah. What you said. Or, you know, if you're lucky enough to even occasionally have a mind.
I don't know what I would do without my people. No shit. Took me a while to figure that out, to let people in, to stop imposing loneliness on myself. But I can't imagine it any other way now. I don't know what I ever did to deserve the people I have around me, and I am so sorry that apparently, in some past life, they did something to deserve having me around them.
Once in a great while though, even now at this late date, I will feel that subtle, insidious pull to close myself off from company. I think I spent so long like that, that there's still a little bit of that rolling around in there. You know what I'm saying? I think long ago a part of me decided I didn't deserve company, and I just ran with that for quite a while.
But whenever I notice that bullshit thinking creeping in nowadays, I double down on being around people. I don't want to ever be one of those people who sadly never figures out how much they were loved by others, and never tells others how much they are loved. I take every opportunity now to let myself accept and give love. And it has taken forever to realize that other people actually do like me, do want me in their lives, do think good things about me. And that they always have. Sometimes that's still a little hard to believe.
You're so right, if you rattle around enough in your own brain, the darkness will always be delighted to see you again. When I find I'm starting to beat myself up over this or that past mistake, I have to pull myself up short. My husband says, we can't do anything about yesterday, but we can do everything about tomorrow. How right is that.
If I didn't have people around me who accept me and understand me and keep me going forward, and if I didn't do those same things for them, I would be in really dire shape. That's the only thing I know for certain, the one and only thing I've learned: that we need each other.