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PostPosted: Fri Oct 12, 2012 7:34 pm 
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Hawleytastic!
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Location: Sunny Alloa, Scotland
What a great gag .... made poignant by the fact it sounds like my marriage ... which I called time on after 29 years!

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 4:58 pm 
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Donkey Cock
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nice one :)
for your lover give some time, said the prophet.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 2:41 pm 
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The Boss
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 8:19 pm 
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Hawleytastic!
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Location: Cheshire
Only 3 sleeps until National Insomnia Awareness Day on 13th December!

Stolen from Nick Doody via Chortle.co.uk


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 12:13 pm 
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Too much time on my hands

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Location: Treacle Bumpstead
We would meet every day at the gym,we never went on any of the equipment, we used to just sit,kiss and cuddle until one day she said to me......''This isn't working out'' :oops:


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 12:07 pm 
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I got hit over the head with a powertool. I was just sat there and then 'Bosch'!


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2013 8:15 pm 
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip, then throws the rest in the barman's face. "I'm sorry!" he sobs. "I keep doing that. It's so embarrassing."

The barman feels bad for the man and suggests he sees a psychiatrist. Six months later, he's back.

"Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" the barman asks, handing him a beer.

"Yes, weekly. He's great," says the man, as he throws a beer in the barman's face.

"Great?? You just threw another beer all over me!"

"Very true, but these days it doesn't embarrass me."


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:15 pm 
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Hawleytastic!
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An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Todmorden, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.'

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 9:25 pm 
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NSFW but a work of staggering rude genius that will offend loads of people.



"Ring Satan's doorbell..."

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Laissez les bon temps roulez, duck.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 8:22 am 
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Hawleytastic!
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Location: South, North, now West Yorkshire.
:shock: :shock: ................... :*: :*: :*:


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:11 am 
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Location: Beside the big aeroplane.
My mate's wife has just had a baby. ''What are you going to call him'' I asked. ''KP'' he replied.
''You can't call him KP'' I said ''That's just nuts''.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2014 2:45 pm 
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Too much time on my hands

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Location: Treacle Bumpstead
After a visit to a house of ill repute a man notices green lumps on his testicles so he goes to the doctors. ''That's serious'' says the doc. ''You've heard that some boxers get cauliflower ears? ''Yes'' says the man. ''Well'' says the doc, ''You've got brothel sprouts''.

:oops: I know, but be fair no jokes since January....come on!! I've got some about peaches and ferrys but I don't want to offend anyone........Do I?


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:31 pm 
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Donkey Cock
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OLD JOKES
An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat
walk into a bar. The bartender says
"Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Erm....
have yourselves a merry Christmas everybody! Speak soon.

Meeeneep


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:14 pm 
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Hawleytastic!
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Location: Cheshire
Coolfrog wrote:
Erm....
have yourselves a merry Christmas everybody! Speak soon.

Meeeneep


Merry Christmas to you :santa: :rendeer: :bigsmurf:


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:23 pm 
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Donkey Cock
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Cheers poppy,
Alright another one more in tune with myself:

What s the difference between a 69 and a chalet in Gzdadt, Switzerland ?









The view


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