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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:34 pm 
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Location: Sheffield now - Born Manchester
Husband watching telly. Fat wife comes into the room and says 'I just fell down stairs, didn't you hear me?'
Husband says 'sorry, luv, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!'

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:46 pm 
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Location: Elephant & Castle
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar says 'A pint of beer and call me Hoff'

Barman says 'Sure thing David, one pint of beer. No Hassle'.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:21 pm 
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Santa says to his Elf: "I'm getting pissed off with all this. Every year I put this stupid red outfit on, do all of the work and end up with fuck all". Elf replies : "Well now you know how Steven Gerrard feels."

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I saw an elsebound train, on the overpass
In the driving rain, every ticket costs the same
For where you can't go
Mustang horses, champagne glasses
Anything frail anything wild
It's the price of living motion, what's beautiful is broken
And grace is just the measure of a fall.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 1:54 pm 
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Location: London
SCHOOL -- 1970 vs. 2010

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impleiment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:

Robbie won't Keep still in class, disrupts other students.

1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmaster.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

20010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Government psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ant’s nest.

1970 - Ants die.

2010- Police, Armed Forces, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 4:12 pm 
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Location: Dvblinia
Knock Knock.

Who's there?

IMF

IMF who?

I M Fing serious, you're screwed.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 2:35 pm 
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www.conjunctivitis.com.

There's a site for sore eyes.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 3:00 pm 
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Location: Ireland
groan


off to share this :*:

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:05 pm 
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SimonK wrote:
www.conjunctivitis.com.

There's a site for sore eyes.


I found this way funnier than I should have :D

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:28 pm 
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Location: oxford
Alan Noir wrote:
SimonK wrote:
www.conjunctivitis.com.

There's a site for sore eyes.


I found this way funnier than I should have :D



Passed it on to someone earlier and had a call back saying "why have you sent me an e-mail about conjunctivitis?". Took a bit of explaining; but my sister's like that. :*:


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:41 pm 
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Location: Up my own arse
Sorry I find that joke myopicist


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 6:17 pm 
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Hawleytastic!
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Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2007 1:10 pm
Posts: 4480
Location: Cheshire
HEALTH & SAFETY AND EQUALITY CONSIDERATIONS FOR CHRISTMAS

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - This is definitely one for Social Services.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 12:30 am 
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Hawleytastic!
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Location: Cheshire
Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 1:20 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 6:27 pm
Posts: 319
Location: Chesvegas
:*: :*: :*:

Thank you for these, have really cheered me up this morning!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:51 am 
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Hawleytastic!
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Location: Dvblinia
Furious.

If anyone can cast their mind back a year or so I made a thread bemoaning a relationship I was in. Well she's found the thread apparently and is not a happy girl, understandably. I don't know what's worse, her still caring or whoever the fucker was who was sad enough to look up sites I use. This really is out of order.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:56 am 
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Location: Dvblinia
i'm so pissed off i didnt even look at the title of the thread, just saw 'pissed off' and came storming in. sorry!

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