Richard Hawley

jesus !

Only just read this thread... and been rolling on the floor since

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Hodie adsit, cras absit.
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.



For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,




"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

man goes into a pub, buys a pint and sits at the bar. after a while he's bustin for a pee and goes to the lav.

As he walks past the cigarette machine, it speaks to him!
"you're a twat, an ugly fucker, who the hell let you in here?"

shocked, he goes for his piss and contemplates what he's just heard.
when he walks back past the cigarette machine, it starts again
"you smelly bastard, why don't you just fuck off"

He sits down at the bar and the dish of salted peanuts says
"you're such a cool guy, i wish there were more people here like you, it's a real pleasure to meet you"

This is too much and he demands that the landlord explains what's going on.
"oh that's alright mate" he replies

"the cigarette machine's out of order and the peanuts are complimentary"

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bring back the free trade hall

i've gotta say some pretty ace jokes on here from the last few days which i will enjoy passing off as my own at after dinner speeches and drunken parties very soon, so here's another one that i hope you like

a bloke is walking down the street when all of a sudden women start throwing there underwear at him, it gets so bad he has to run home and the women chase him all the back, with more women joining in and throwing there underwear.

this goes on for a number of weeks and the man decides to see his friend, who is also a doctor about this.

he explains that everytime he leaves the house women throw there underwear at him and he is chased along the streets by screaming women.
"ok" says the friend, "i know exactly what this is, It is tom jonesitis.

"tom jonesitis" exclaims the man "i've never heard of that is it common"

"it's not unusual" replies his friend

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Sunday morning sunlight,
mixed with moonlight in your eyes from last night.
www.myspace.com/theboyhoy

man rushes into a pub
"quick someone tell me, how tall are penguins ?"

the landlord replies
"well i dunno mate. about 3 or 4 feet i suppose"

head in hands, the man despairs
"oh fuck, then i've just run over a nun"

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bring back the free trade hall

heard it before but this one med me crack up:

"What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once"





piss-funny!!!!

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www.davewoodcock.net

NEWLY UPDATED!!!! Feel Free To Stop By...

how can you tel when the drum riser is level ?

the drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.








(i like drummers, lovely people)

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bring back the free trade hall

Guy goes into a pub and sits down. "What'll you have?" asks the barman. "I'll have a pint of anything but Guinness" replies the guy. The barman pours him a Magnet and says, "What you got against Guinness then?" "Oh man," groans the guy, "I drank twelve pints yesterday, went home and spent all night blowing chunks." Barman sez "Listen mate, you drink twelve pints of owt and you're gonna blow chunks." The guy says "Barman, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog."

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this is almost as intense as that time I forgot how to sit down

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

"Hello" he says.

"Alright" say the other lions

"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion

"Not bad" say the other lions

"Food ok?" enquires the new lion

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

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Did you know that I'm telepathetic?

a family go on holiday to blackpool..on the first day little johnny goes for a walk with his mother along the beach.."whats that between the donkeys legs,mom?"..rather embarrased his mother says.."err,thats nothing son"

The next day johnny goes for a walk with his dad along the same stretch of beach.."see that thing between that donkeys legs dad? mom says thats nothing.." "thats the trouble with your mother,son" said his dad "she's been spoilt"

I thankyou,i'm here all week
x

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CHECK OUT SWAMPMEAT
www.myspace.com/danfinnemore

do you do childrens parties?


DADDY CALLING HOME


((((RING))))


((((RING))))


**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an
Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

** Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all
scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming
pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last
week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's
dead"


**Long Pause***


***Longer Pause**


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??

christ !