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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:45 pm 
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ha ha ha ha brilliant how about this one?

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:46 pm 
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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:52 pm 
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"


The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:54 pm 
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ha ha ha ha marvellous

i got sent this by my old bass player in treebound story the other day by text

A man kills a deer and brings it home and cooks it but doesn't tell the little girl what it is they are eating,he told them he would give them a little clue.

"its what mummy calls me sometimes"he says


The little girl screams out"christ mum don't eat it........its a fucking arsehole"

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:56 pm 
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:04 pm 
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just found this one on the net :roll:

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:13 pm 
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Twentyyoung men from Liverpool die and turn up in heaven at the pearly gates. Worried, St. Peter runs to God and explains the situation. "We can't have 20 scousers in here Peter," says God. "Pick the best five and send the rest of to Satan." Two minutes later St. Peter returns to God and says "God! God! They have gone" "All of them?" asks God. "No God, the Pearly Gates!"

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:15 pm 
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This is one of my faves.......

A woman is sitting on a plane heading for London, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the engine, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing this may be the end of her life, rips off her shirt and bra and throws herself at the man sitting next to her and says; "make me feel like a woman again."
So the man rips off his shirt and says, " I think there's an iron over there!"

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:17 pm 
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An school teacher was asking her young pupils what their dad did for a living...

"Rebecca, what does your father do for a living?" She replies, "My dad is a fireman. He goes out and saves people's lives every day!"

"Excellent. Alan, what does your dad do?" He replies, "My dad is a policeman . He goes out and protects all of us from bad people."

"Wonderful. Johnny, what about your dad?" He replies, "Oh, my dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Johnny. What did he do before he died?"

Johnny replies, "Turned blue and shit on the carpet."


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:18 pm 
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:18 pm 
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oh my god thats evil.........but er funny :*:

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:21 pm 
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reyt im off home in a mo... cheers for all the gags! :wink:

have a good weekend all and keep smiling.

D x

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:27 pm 
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Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said:
"That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.

Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"............... :D


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:38 pm 
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Hot piece of Sheffield ass!
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:11 pm 
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for any musicians on the board

http://www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/


:roll:

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