Richard Hawley

Richard Hawley Forum
It is currently Sun Dec 16, 2018 12:54 pm

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1276 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ... 86  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:01 pm 
Offline
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2003 12:47 pm
Posts: 12728
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on
a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and
answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like
a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak
English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me.
I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can
probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work
and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over
with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the
postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in
a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the
parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and
began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and
slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:14 pm 
Offline
Hawley Super-Groupie
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:42 pm
Posts: 323
Location: Lestorr!
I know this is terribly un PC but it's one of my all time faves.


Two Irishmen sat on the floor, one fell off.



Apologies!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 4:23 pm 
Offline
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2003 12:47 pm
Posts: 12728
Hipster wrote:
I know this is terribly un PC but it's one of my all time faves.


Two Irishmen sat on the floor, one fell off.



Apologies!


its also terribly unfunny,


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:07 pm 
Q: What are the bumps for around a woman's nipples?
A: It's Braille for "Suck here"!

please pm me and i will edit if this is deemed too offensive :D


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:08 pm 
Breastfeeding is important, especially to blind babies.


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:11 pm 
Offline
Too much time on my hands

Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 6:47 pm
Posts: 684
Location: manchester
did you hear about the ice cream man found dead on the floor of his van covered in raspberry and chocolate sauce, crushed nuts, hundreds and thousands and flakes, he' d topped himself

_________________
frank and ernest


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:13 pm 
hehehe - Mrs S will appreciate the ice cream theme there.


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:23 pm 
Offline
The Boss
User avatar

Joined: Fri May 30, 2003 9:54 am
Posts: 18662
Location: Sheffield
Dave wrote:
A bus full of nuns die when it crashes. When they are stood at the gates of Heaven, St Peter appears and says to the first nun, "Have you ever come into contact with a penis?" The nun replies, "I touched one with my finger once." St Peters replies, "Dip it in the holy water." The second nun says "I held one in my hand once." So she puts her hand in the holy water. All of a sudden a nun pushes her way to the front of the queue and says, "If I'm gonna gargle that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary puts her arse in it."


fucking first class i have really enjoyed reading............cough.ALMOST all of the jokes the prawn one was horrendous...........but amusing none the less.marvellous keep em coming.Dave i'm afraid that one will be used live..........i thang you :wink:

_________________
now,then!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:28 pm 
Offline
Hawleytastic!
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 1:17 pm
Posts: 5043
Location: sweet sweet Sheffield
hahaha..ive only just read that one, Dave! nice one, soft twat! i also liked the 'cat scan' one. :D

_________________
www.davewoodcock.net

NEWLY UPDATED!!!! Feel Free To Stop By...


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:30 pm 
Offline
The Boss
User avatar

Joined: Fri May 30, 2003 9:54 am
Posts: 18662
Location: Sheffield
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

_________________
now,then!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:31 pm 
Christ! :*:


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:37 pm 
Offline
Hawleytastic!
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 1:17 pm
Posts: 5043
Location: sweet sweet Sheffield
oh god, i just laughed very loudly at that one, rich. :*:

:oops:

_________________
www.davewoodcock.net

NEWLY UPDATED!!!! Feel Free To Stop By...


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:40 pm 
Offline
The Boss
User avatar

Joined: Fri May 30, 2003 9:54 am
Posts: 18662
Location: Sheffield
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

_________________
now,then!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:42 pm 
Offline
Site Admin
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2003 12:47 pm
Posts: 12728
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH.
QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 5:44 pm 
Offline
Hawleytastic!
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2005 1:17 pm
Posts: 5043
Location: sweet sweet Sheffield
:*: good one, eoin.

keep em comin'.... its friday afternoon and im not in the pub- i need a giggle! :wink:

_________________
www.davewoodcock.net

NEWLY UPDATED!!!! Feel Free To Stop By...


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1276 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ... 86  Next

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group