Richard Hawley

I was driving in the country the other day, when coming the other way was a sports car. As I drew level with it the woman driver leaned out of the window & shouted 'PIG!!'

What's up with her, I thought. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Wasn't even speeding. Silly cow.

Anyway, next thing I realise I'm sitting in a ditch....Had to swerve to avoid a pig in the road...

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The heartbeat doesn't change, only the faces surrounding it.

A posh guy and a poor guy are chatting.

'For my wife's last birthday' the posh guy brags, 'I got her a BMW and a diamond ring. That way, if she doesn't like the ring she can at least take it back in the BMW'.

The poor guy says 'I got the missus a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f**k herself'.

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this is almost as intense as that time I forgot how to sit down

Gordon Brown.

Two Beekeepers talking to each other over the garden fence… First bee keeper says to the other “How many bees you got then ?” “bout a hundred” says the second beekeeper. “100 eh… how many hives you got then ? “ “10 hives me…” “Not bad that” says the first beekeeper.

Second beekeeper takes his turn to ask the questions… “Go on then, how many bees have you got ?” “I’ve got a million bees” comes the response from the first beekeeper. “A million bees, Christ that’s impressive that… how many hives you got ?” “One hive” says the first beekeeper… “So you’ve got a million bees and only one hive ?” Says the second beekeeper, surprised…“Yep, fuck em’ they’re only bees…”

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"If I am a stranger now to you, I will always be"

hi james,
nice to see another greystonian on the forum. at least 2 people in greystones have impeccable taste then.

The VOODOO PENIS
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...the Voodoo Penis!'
The husband said 'The what'? The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me...'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right...Voodoo Penis, my arse..!'
The rest, as they say, is history....

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now,then!

I'm going to have to send that one to the girls at work............

Boris Johnson's hair, in fact just Boris Johnson. Can't believe he was elected

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's big angry old goat out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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http://www.last.fm/user/strumms
I saw an elsebound train, on the overpass
In the driving rain, every ticket costs the same
For where you can't go
Mustang horses, champagne glasses
Anything frail anything wild
It's the price of living motion, what's beautiful is broken
And grace is just the measure of a fall.

Man says to his wife - get ready, you, me and the dog are going fishing. Wife says - I don't want to go. Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job and after sucking for a while says - eugh, this tastes like shit. Man says - yeah, i know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life,
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, la ter on a preacher in her 60s,
and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

GIVING UP WINE
I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'

'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. '
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked .. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments, and wine.'

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There's a raven in the distance, his inscription's all around you, you can't hide

https://www.facebook.com/LiamMcKaheyandtheBodies
https://cousteaux.com/music

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

Thinking nothing of it, the man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the m an turned to the woman and said,
'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?'

‘I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'

The latest Newcastle United strip is unvailed...

On holiday in Switzerland I overheard two skiers talking. 'Watch me zag-zig down the slalom course' one of them said. The other one looked puzzled, 'You don't say zag-zig' he said, 'You say zig-zag'. Well, the conversation went on & started to get a bit heated, when another chap came along. The first skier said 'S'cuse me mate, can you settle this argument. I say that when you ski down the slalom course, that's a zag-zig, but my mate reckons it's a zig-zag'. Which one's right?'

The chap shrugs his shoulders & says 'Sorry, can't help you there pal, I'm a tobogganist'. 'Oh' says the first skier, 'In that case I'll have 20 Henson & Bedges and a box of matches please!'

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The heartbeat doesn't change, only the faces surrounding it.